Hey there. It’s been awhile since I wrote and honestly I have no idea if I have much to say. I just have been so in my head and antisocial and I don’t know. I have lost so much of my personality and it’s beyond evident. I used to be so full of light and expressive. Now I have nothing to offer the world. It’s like everything caught up to me finally. Pretending to be someone else for Max completely erased who I actually am, and I’m genuinely terrified that I’ll never get it back. I don’t even know what to do to get myself back. Everyone always says that you gotta get out of your house and spend more time with your friends, but when I hang out with my friends I have nothing. They talk to me and try to have fun and I’m just so empty, it’s like I’m a shell of a person that doesn’t exist anymore and I’m pretending, or at least trying to, that I’m a living being with actual thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I think all the time. It’s really all I do. I just don’t have words. I have nothing to talk about. Natalie and I went bar hopping one night and I kept going “Okay let’s go to the next one!” and Natalie said something along the lines of “We’ll be doing the same exact thing, just somewhere else.” And it made me realize that I was unconsciously thinking there was this end goal or we were waiting for or I guess heading towards this thing that was going to happen, but there was nothing. It was just us hanging out. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I honestly think I was imagining Max at the end of the line. Unconsciously, of course. 

I don’t really feel joy anymore. It really does feel like part of me is missing. I started this book that’s about what the author found when she went undercover into a bunch of online incel groups, men’s rights activist groups, and pick up artist groups. It talks about how much horrid and aggressive misogyny, racism, and irl mass and individual acts of violence comes out of them. It also talks about how much casual misogyny exists, and how the rhetoric spread through these groups influences so many aspects of life and politics. It’s a very good book and I’m obsessed with it, but that’s the issue. I, for a time, became paranoid because of the sheer amount of men that genuinely believe women deserve to get raped, beaten, and murdered. And how they are men we see in everyday life. It’s like every time I am near a man I’m thinking “Is he one of them?” The hypervigilance is good for the sake of my safety, but genuinely I don’t think I can have a romantic relationship with a man ever again. I just don’t trust any of them. Even a platonic relationship is stretching it. I just want to be by myself and safe forever. People are so scary. I love humanity and still believe that people are inherently good and kind, but the corruption of man is SO prevalent within our society and having critical discernment of which individual is good and which believes I deserve severe harm on the basis of my sex is crucial to my safety and yet impossible to achieve

I don’t know. I guess yeah I feel incredibly alone and sometimes it’s debilitating. But other times, it feels safe and comfortable like I’m the only person in the world and nothing can hurt me. My mother thinks I’m depressed and lonely because I don’t go out that much or see my friends that often. My theory is that it’s because she needs constant attention and to be talking to someone, anyone, at all times and she can’t fathom that I would like to be alone. I guess she’s half right about my depression and loneliness, but it’s a comfortable loneliness. I don’t really trust people. I never have. Obviously we all know that’s because I couldn’t trust my parents for stability or nurturing or emotional safety. And I’ve lost a lot of friends, which isn’t to say I’m not at least partially to blame, but it still hurts. I’ve also never really super fit in. Like don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been liked and popular-adjacent, but I was never in the “in” group. I was like part of it but not really part of it. There’s definitely something wrong with me, I’m defective. I have the entire DSM-5 worth of diagnoses to prove it. I just wish I could be normal. 

This turned into a “poor me, everyone pity me” type of thing very quickly. That’s not really what I wanted. Yes, I wanted to share everything and be honest, but in a more light-hearted and almost funny way. Well. What can you do? It is what it is. My head has been hurting all day and I’m tired. Let’s blame it on that. I’ll be fine. Everything is fine, the world is a good place, and I am happy.