July 24, 2026

So I  moved back to Chi on April 17, 2026. When I first came back I desperately needed to not be alone so I pretty much hung out with everybody who could (or I at least made plans to — whether or not I was able to is a different story). Because I was a needy mess, Adam came down to hang out with me more than was realistic in the long run. Well one day we were hanging out and a hot and heavy makeout sesh ensued in the Harlem Blue Line parking lot (naturally). Well then he bailed like four times, maybe five, in a row. Mind you, this means I didn’t see him for like a month. Well then I saw him and because I was mad nothing happened. Then I saw him again and oh boy did things happen. Hot and heavy makeout sesh #2 ensued in the back seat of my mothers car. Of course, because, again, where else?

 Well see, this may have complicated things. I just don’t at all know where I’m at with all of that kind of stuff. It’s only been three months since Max and I broke up. I still think about him a lot. Not in the whole “oh my god I want to talk to him so bad” way, but more just remembering certain things, or something will happen and it just reminds me of him or what he would say about whatever. I think I still have a really long way to go before I just don’t think about him at all, but how long? And on top of regular breakup stuff, I have to figure out and deal with all the complete bullshit I was put through and how I reacted to it. I want to do better next time you know? Like I guess that was his first relationship and my first serious relationship, so a lot of stuff is excusable / forgivable. I just never want to deal with shit like that again. All of the constant lying for months and months on end was unbearable alone, not even taking into account what he was lying about. I don’t want to carry over a bunch of Max and I’s drama into the next relationship I get into. And I don’t want to be trying to like “replace” Max in any way. I also really really really don’t want to ruin another very special friendship for something that’s completely doomed. My sense of trust in a relationship is obviously now very very very sensitive and almost unattainable. I just don’t know if any relationship is worth going through all of that again. 

When I think about dating in general my answer is no. Absolutely not, not right now for sure, but not ever possibly. And then I think about dating one person in particular and I think “yeah, that could be really good.” Any time I download Tinder or talk to a guy I might otherwise think is attractive, my interest is basically nonexistent. I just don’t care about any of it. Honestly, there’s not much I really care about anyways. Every morning I wake up and just pray my day isn’t horrible. Then I go to sleep and pray my dreams aren’t horrible. And everything I do in between is this kind of blur of uninteresting, unstimulating, and at best fine. It’s like nothing matters as much as me and Max used to matter. I don’t know it’s just this constant cycle of waking up, going to work, coming home, figuring out how to occupy my time for a couple hours, and going to bed as early as possible. Except for when I hang out with Adam. Then I actually don’t want it to end. I had a good time. And I almost never have good times anymore. 

However, the same issue arises that occurred when I was with Max. I get codependent, needy, jealous, and irrational. Which is now the other part of my qualm with starting anything with Adam. I just suck at healthy relationships. If you knew anything about my family you would understand that is a phenomenon I have never been exposed to. Not only is it safer for me to never date again, but it’s safer for the general population of people I could date.  

I did molly yesterday for the first time in probably 4 years. I was really really really hoping it would make me happy. Well okay so the full story is that I took adderall (allegedly, who knows what it actually was), all day at work and a pretty good and very weird day. My mom took my brothers to Indiana, so I would be home alone until the next day (today). I figured you know what, I haven’t tried it in awhile and I want to see how I am on it now before I take it at Riot Fest with Liv. Like if I’m just gonna get super anxious or paranoid then it’s probably best I don’t try it for the first time in years around thousands of people. Well so I take it so that it will kick in about the time I get home. I get home and figure let me take out the trash before I forget. I open the back door and the porch is gone. So I’m standing there, rolling, holding the garbage, and just looking at the sky. It was an enclosed back porch. I should not have been able to see the sky at all. There’s a guy back there so I just go “…..Hey?” and he’s literally like “Oh hey! Hahaha don’t worry I’ll put it back.” Okay cool. WHO ARE YOU? AND WHERE DID YOU TAKE IT? I called my mom and she just went “IT’S GONE??” I say yes and then I send her pictures. She just goes “OMG” and that’s the last piece of information I get from her. Super helpful thank you mother. I told my coworker and he goes “What are you gonna do about that?” Like nothing??? Either he puts it back or I no longer have a porch, so I am going to choose to believe him cause truly I have no other choice. 

So anyways, after I came to terms with that happening, I took a shower and listened to music and got ready because I wanted to do something. I’m not feeling super high or anything, I just had a lot of energy that I previously did not have. So, naturally, I take more molly. I was getting a little anxious so I started to drink as well. I actually finished a whole bottle of wine. Now I was really fucked up, but not unfunctional. The adderall from earlier was keeping me stable I think. I finished getting ready and headed out. This is a real excerpt of what I wrote in my notebook while I was at the bar, waiting for DJ, drinking my vodka cran: 

It’s Saturday night, I’m meeting DJ, I’m on so much fucking molly & yet I still miss Max. I’m scared that there’s now a void I’m trying to fill and even now I’m fucking weird at the bar on Saturday night, alone, who’s fucking writing in her stupid fucking notebook. I would give fucking anything to not be on molly here, doing this. I’m obviously the only one here like me. God what was I thinking. Even once DJ gets here, what the fuck am I going to talk about? Jesus, this is why I don’t leave my stupid fucking house. God, I would absolutely kill to be back home right now & the worst part is I think DJ is still like 10 minutes away. God I wish I was less anxious than I am. I can’t emphasize how much I want to go home. Even now while SUPER overstimulated, I miss Max. I was never this anxious around him. I’m always so scared now. 

Even while on the drug that is supposed to make you euphoric, I was incredibly sad. Max had a way of calming me and keeping me grounded. I definitely took that for granted. I ended up having an alright time overall, except at night I was hoping that all the medications in my system and all the drugs I took would mix around and I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I know that is partially because I was coming down, but part of it is very very real. No, I don’t want to kill myself; However, I definitely feel like my life is useless and unimportant and definitely wouldn’t mind if I went to sleep and didn’t wake up. 

It’s weird though, because I went to the Garfield Park Conservatory last weekend with a friend and ever since then I’ve been noticing flowers more. I don’t remember the last time I had stopped to look at flowers. There’s something kind of nice about the simple act of noticing the beauty in nature. Also, I never realized I’m so picky about what plants I like. 

There’s just a weird juxtaposition in my life right now where I’m appreciating very simple things, but at the same time feeling this immense and vast emptiness aat the end of the day. It’s like the big picture is horrible, crippling, sadness, but the finer details are beautiful and invoke deep emotion. Maybe that emotion is also a kind of sadness, just in a different way. I don’t know. I’m just really really exhausted to the point of almost giving up. I just don’t think I’m a strong enough person. And the irony there is I’m not strong enough to gather the strength to be a strong person. I’m just too sensitive. In some ways that sensitivity is incredibly powerful at being able to help other people, but it’s so immobilizing when it comes to myself. I don’t know if that even makes any sense. I just know that I have never felt more alone than I do right now. Maybe that’ll even itself out, but maybe it won’t. And that’s really scary.